When I was at High School, I developed a bit of a closet obsession with self help and positive thinking books.
A fairly consistent theme of these books is “people are not so much effected by events but by their reaction to them”. It was so often repeated that it became boring and lost its impact on me after a while. Nonetheless, for a long time I just assumed that was a truth universally acknowledged.
In working with people as they rebuild their lives after setbacks, I have noticed that the response to setbacks can vary substantially between individuals. I remember one client with spastic quadriplegia speaking of the euphoria she experienced in grocery shopping by herself. Another client – a young boy confined to a wheelchair after an accident moved seamlessly from being soccer mad to playing Dungeons and Dragons. At the other end of the spectrum, I have seen people drop their bundle over muscle strains that doctors tell me should not have caused more than a temporary discomfort.
While this observation might reinforce the old adage, I am not so sure anymore.
A psychiatrist once told me that the mindless positivity of the self help genre was damaging one of my clients. She was working hard to overcome her grief at her losses by cultivating an attitude of gratitude but she had not allowed herself the opportunity to grieve in a normal and constructive way.
I therefore read this article about Janine Shepherd in the most recent edition of Peppermint Magazine with interest.
Nobody could accuse Janine Shepherd of wallowing in self pity or being unduly negative. She learned to fly when she was still learning to walk after her accident. She is now a motivational speaker of international renown and a best selling author.
However, she is “disparaging of new-age spiritual gurus who advocate positivity at all costs”. In recovering from two major setbacks in her life, Janine prefers to acknowledge pain and then work with it. She believes that we have to understand that life can be tough and it will be from time to time. She believes the best way to deal with it is to find the gift in the situation.
I now think that may be the difference between people who manage to build a new life for themselves and those who do not. Everyone hurts and needs to acknowledge and accept that they have lost something precious when they face a health challenge just as any other major life setback.
Trying to fake a positive attitude when you don’t feel positive yet is not necessarily going to make you positive. Searching for new sources of joy and happiness in new, even if unwelcome, circumstances is probably the best option.
